Grace and peace to you all and welcome to our new clergy here in Harbor! I try to share some thoughts you can relate to as clergy and laity in HA in this space every two weeks.
In my neighborhood, there is a dog play group. I had never heard of this before – and, I had never had a dog before! There is a woman here, Barb, who spend her life studying dog behavior, training dogs, and generally training humans to be good dog owners! It is in Barb’s backyard where I met Willow.
Sweet Willow is a border collie and is ALWAYS on the job! She protects us from squirrels, is always the first one to get the ball, and does not like stopping for treats. Yes, you heard that right, she is not food motivated. Willow loves to fetch a toy more than anything in the world. She will chase her thrown toy until she can’t walk and is totally out of breath if we’d let her.
Sometimes we stop by Willow’s house with my dog and we throw the frisbee for her while her mom is at work. The weirdest thing is that when she brings back her red frisbee (she knows all her toys by color and name), she won’t always give it to me. She lays it down, and then snatches it back before I can pick it up. This can happen 3 or 4 times in a row. And just when I say “forget it, I’m not throwing it again” she finally lets me pick it up. Now, for a dog who loves to fetch a toy more than anything, this is weird behavior. Maybe she’s just too excited, maybe she’s just being a dog, but I find it frustrating as one who has stopped to play!
I often wonder if pets are sent to teach us about ourselves. I have been feeling dissatisfied with myself lately. I have been moody with myself, feeling like I’m inadequate in the roles which are mine: wife, mom, DS, child of God, child of aging parents, sister, aunt, friend. I am a helper and a doer, I like to give what I have, share what I’ve found and mostly I’m a people pleaser. And yet, I have not been happy with myself. I feel like I cannot give adequately to all these roles and then I start to feel I’m failing, letting people down – not in a terrible way – but letting them down nevertheless. I don’t think anyone has said to me “you are letting me down” and yet I feel that way.
Yesterday I decided to go to the beach for an hour or so. It was late afternoon and the crowds were mostly gone. I walked along the water’s edge and I sat in my chair and looked at the water. I soaked in the sound of the waves. I was trying to connect with God and catch up with myself. I was trying to figure out why I was so dissatisfied with myself and feeling so unsettled. This morning as I was looking at my devotional reading, this question jumped off the page “how willingly are you receiving God in your life?” Well. . . I have received God into my life. I’m a Christian, serving God and the church and yet . . . Some of the scriptures for this week’s lectionary point us to welcoming God’s presence. Am I doing that?
I began asking myself these questions: how willingly am I receiving God into my life? How willingly am I receiving anything, anyone in my life? I spend my days figuring out ways to do more, give more, check off lists, sit and listen to colleagues and family members. I always feel like I am called to do more, give more. When am I stopping to receive? When am I being vulnerable, available and open to God and all the gifts life offers? I spent the past year learning a new role; we all had so much to learn about pandemic protocol and doing our jobs/fulfilling our roles in life last year. Now, I feel like many of us are running around making up for lost time!
So my goal yesterday was to stop. My hope was to recognize why I was feeling so like Willow – unable to let go, unable to release whatever was in my grasp, so that I could access what was so important to me. If Willow won’t release the frisbee, no one can throw if for her. She can’t do what she most wants to do in the world – catch red frisbee – if she won’t release it! In a real way, we need to release what we hold onto, whether that is doing or pleasing or holding ourselves responsible for everyone’s happiness. If we can let go, we may recognize the dissatisfied feeling as having simply placed more as our responsibility than is truly ours. I took a moment to let go and I’m thankful. I need more moments like that: less doing, more being, and letting go, so that I might receive as well as give.
In this season, take time to release all you hold tightly. I’m giving up so I may receive.
If you would like to view past editions of Time with Tara, follow this link:
https://harbordistrictnc.org/category/from-the-ds/